i really dunno what to say.. i failed my exam.. and worse thing is i made a mistake in front of boss

see another stupid embarassing moment for me.. like wtf.. i dunno how to feel now.. sitting back here alone feels like as though im the most stupid person on earth.. now my self esteem is really low.. i dunno wat to say myself.. sometimes i really want to run away because of this.. cant find someone whom i can trust and feeling comfortable with to tell how i actually feel right now..

fuck man.. seriously fml.

still dun feel better after this but at least im making myself look “busy” and stupid

really wan to find some place to hide so that nobody can see how pathetic i am.

I wish I could turn back the time and think twice before saying stupid things like this. When I’m back to office, I will definitely, definitely remind myself to think twice before I start to say anything. I must hold my own emotions which I somehow fail to do that these days where I could keep everything inside in the past. Seriously man, WTF is this? I’m so mad at myself now that I really feel like banging myself towards the wall. Another thing happened today is the ball went missing. Now I know that this is not really a big deal, but judging that the impression people have on me, just makes me really stress thinking about it because I don’t know how to carry myself around people and this makes matter worse. Maybe I’m thinking too much but I can’t help but to think that the impression and respect that people have on me is quite important to me.

Yeah, sometimes I’m just trying to be funny and all so that I can tell people subliminally that I’m actually not that hard to approach. Apparently, this isn’t really working, and this is the area that I really have to take note on.

FML

WTF is wrong with me? Why I can’t just be like someone who can be so fun to be with? Why? Probably because that’s not me. I don’t do sweet talks, I’m kayu, so is this considered as an excuse? I don’t know. Inside me tells me that I’m not giving myself excuse because I truly believe that my character isn’t suitable for this kind of environment. I guess that explains why I’m a loner. A lot of times I’ve been dreaming working in an aircraft cockpit and service people, rather than standing beside a random stranger, prepare to answer for their questions whilst promoting the stuff that we are working on. Honestly, I just love working behind the scenes and like everyone else, get recognised and appreciated. Unsung hero maybe?

Anyways, back to reality… Let’s just treat this post as a reminder to think before speaking without looking like an ass.

EDIT : Well.. just called him and he didn’t sound very happy about it all.. this will be the FIRST and LAST time I will be doing this. Even if I have to, I will make sure that I get their permission before using it. That would be the last resort. What a bad day today for me.. let’s hope tomorrow will be a good one. What the hell am I thinking???

Well this time’s Research Methods assignment does give me a lot of stress and headache. Honestly, going against the team direction and losing good relationships with teammate isn’t a good thing to have. – Because at this point, I really don’t know whether I was right all the way and just by looking at how we interact, it really seems like I’m the only one who is wrong. At first, I thought ok maybe I was wrong, but after getting third person and even fourth opinion, my friends all seem to agree with me. Anyhow, the lousy leader(yes I may not be in a position to criticize people) made a decision and I just have to follow orders. Konon want to ask for opinions and say not insisting when she ask us to rethink. I was like WTF? You ask our opinion and I’ve already stated my stance, and now you telling me to rethink my decision? Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned meaning the original path to continue with existing framework. Everybody including Najia was ok with the new framework, now I don’t really disagree with creating the new framework, but as we can see now, all of us are scrambling to cut down words here and there because we are out of time. When I suggest something, they don’t seem to listen, well it’s normally when people don’t respect me. Obviously I don’t have respect in this group and I’m a bad guy out there.

I’m not a big fan who likes changing things in the very last minute. When we got this far, we should try our best to give it all out for whatever we have. Now they want to cut things down, I suggested to cut down my part so that we can save about 300 words, you don’t agree with it is fine by me, but this leader never answer anything at all. Sorry I can’t help it but to say – fuck you fadwa, you’re not being a good team leader since day one even you’re just a student. I called you but you don’t fucking answer my call and even sms. What sort of fucking leader are you? You obviously don’t like me and I don’t care about that but could you please be professional? Now to make things even, I don’t fucking like you as a person either, but for the sake of assignment I chose to talk to you even I hate doing that just so that we can communicate properly as I know the level of relationship between me and the team has gone down hill.

One person in my team I really don’t know I should trust or not because that’s what makes me feel as though I’m all alone throughout this. I really don’t know if it’s my problem or what, it’s like my brain tells me I’m wrong, but deep inside me still stand corrected. I don’t think I should linger on this problem anymore since we are close to finishing up this assignment and I really hope they don’t screw the shit up on this. I don’t care how good we got, as long as we get a pass, I’m all good with no complaints. Can’t imagine if this happens in a working environment and there is no guarantee that I could avoid this from happening. So I think I better get prepared and think what are the ways that can be done. Writing this is for me to reflect myself and also because I got no place to rant and feel heard. Sad la, it’s really difficult to find someone who can really listen to your feelings. Not easy to do that.

Just when I thought our team will be the top, it turned out to be quite an opposite. In terms of communication inside out, performance all really bad. To me relationship with a team is ultimately important than result alone. I feel far more satisfied working harmoniously with people and get average marks than high score with little to no communication at all. Because when we work nicely with people as a team, everybody knows what’s going on and give their best shot, and even if result turned out not as expected, at least we know we tried our best and pat ourselves at the back with a job well done.

I can be proud to say that I’ve involved twice working under this condition. I guess the first experience was with dennis and the other guy whose name I think was chee keong. Chee Keong was rather uncooperative by not giving us what we wanted and it was really simple getting a camera for us to shoot and try to find people to be our actor actress. Me and Dennis was really struggling that time, we both kept discussing what are the ways we could solve. Anyway long story short, we managed to came out with a nice video and I was pretty much satisfied with that. I was grateful to have such good team mate like Dennis.

Another experience was accounting finance. That one I was really really grateful to have such wonderful cooperative team mate. Both of them except Heap Hong was rather irresponsible. Anyway, we didn’t really actually meet up as a group, but I got everything figured out with delegation and even asked was there anything in their mind. Well, one had to go quick and the other came as promised and Heap Hong didn’t want to come saying that he has class to attend. Despite that short coming, I tried to maintain contact with all team members by letting know what was going on and even offer help if needed. Hairi also graciously offered his help with the assignment which I really appreciate. One thing that made me happy was that both of them even told me it was nice working with them. To me, I also enjoyed very much working with them and I always keep that as a benchmark to gauge my other team assignment. Well we didn’t really get to the top but almost got as high as we would have hoped for. I was really pleased with what we could achieve. At first I was a bit hesitant that we couldn’t make it because I simply don’t have a lot confidence with the team and myself. But then as we go along, we managed just fine and everything went pretty well.

That was the kind of team effort I was talking about. I gained respect from the both of them. I also respect them equally as a team. All in all, until today I’m very proud to have that team and it is a memorable experience for me.

/end of rant

Always hope for someone who could listen and support me all along just like everyone else.

People may feel this way that I am not being friendly at all, but in actual fact deep inside me I am afraid, very afraid. For the past 3 years I’ve been trying to take initiative to talk to people and be friends with them, but I found out even after doing so, seems quite difficult for me to be sociable. Sometimes I wonder is it me or just other people? Most of the time I just kept thinking that the problem lies with me, I tried smiling but it’s not genuine smile when meeting acquaintance.

It seems whenever I tried to pull myself up just to gain some confidence, things will crumble down on me. Like today, I tried explaining what’s happening but at the end the lecturer never listen to my explanation at all. So I was thinking, am I talking rubbish? That led me to telling myself that I better stfu in future because I just don’t contribute much.

I just cannot seem to get along well with people and have fun with them. Don’t know why for some reason, I just see other people know for such a short period can laugh and joke with each other but nobody did that to me. Perhaps I should blame my rather kayu personality or cold looking face? What if I smile more? Have I tried that? Certainly yes. Does that bring me closer to people? No.  I don’t know what to do.. just feel so lost at times.. whenever people come talk to me, I will always try to remain as friendly as possible so that they know I am an easy going guy. Of course, I don’t reveal my personal stuff much to them but those information they don’t really need to know. Unless it is someone important to me.

Truthfully speaking, I am having big problems with socializing with people. I think that is what has been bringing me down. It’s quite tiring to constantly bring myself back up without somebody supporting me. It’s really difficult. Not even friends. When I let my guard down a little bit, mostly just ended up got nothing to say. Not saying that they are not friend enough to me, but this goes to show that it’s not easy to find a good listener. When I’m alone, I just don’t feel like smiling, which explains a lot why I don’t seem to have a genuine smile to people. I just simply can’t do it because I’m not too sure myself and whether they notice me. Maybe I can go like say hi second time in case they didn’t notice.

All I’m hoping is that my future gf will be a good listener and can motivate me to go on my life with her. Problem now is that I don’t have one….

We can definitely set our priorities right, we can set our goals, we can lay out plans as to what we will be doing to achieve that objective. As selfish as a human can be, which is a sad truth to the most of us, and as much as how we lay out the plans effectively, we are bound to face obstacles which could eventually lead to failure and might also affect our self-esteem too. Although we may have already identified mistakes or flaws, finding a solution to make improvements is another matter because at times we can run out of idea or literally do not know where or how to correct that error. This can be very demotivating and frustrating to a person especially when he/she not able to achieve what they want despite all the efforts poured out. Why is that? Where is the problem? Sometimes you just do not know where the problem lies which can be very frightening to them because deep inside them, they really want to achieve sometimes but couldn’t.

Fail to plan, plan to fail.

It may be true, but to really look at why we fail, we really need someone to help us look at different angle which is why counseling helps because they will help us to explore ourselves and look things at a different angle. Success also relies on the adaptability of a person, whether he/she can adapt to an environment or situation that they are in proves to be vital. If we see a person is very good at adapting themselves, it shows that they are smart and therefore chances for them to success is high. Of course, everyone faces failure in their life but whether they can accept it and climb back up is another question. In the early stage of life, most adolescence do not recognise the feeling of failure because their life has been a smooth sailing experience. But as we come closer to adulthood, things start to change, they begin to face challenges which they have never encounter before and there will be a time that they will be given a taste of failure and to some first timers will tend to make their life miserable because they have never fail in their life. But then we must understand that, without failure we will never learn things and never know where our mistakes could be. I can view my early failures as good sign because I feel that it is better for me to realise all these things before I step into the real world which may or may not give me some culture shock. I somehow have a feeling that by going through all these will eventually enable me to be prepared for a transition to the working life and that I can use my experience to overcome my challenges I may face in future.

I may be a useless person for now in terms of studying and not being able to achieve good results in a way I wanted to, but I swear that whenever I start my career I will be successful as I want to be. My definition of being successful is being able to do things well by planning my financial resources, I don’t think of being rich but I want to be able to afford what I want or what I need. Though I will feel useless as now, but I will not be the same in future because I believe in myself that I will be able to achieve what I want. For now, what is in my mind is that I want to be a skillful yet responsible driver, never felt as useful as before while remaining as kind as I am. I certainly do not want to change into a very self-centered person because of what I have achieved. I want to be well off by being smart in managing my finance and eventually allow my money to work for me even when I do not have to do anything. I am actually viewing my failures as a good start of my long journey but due to the constant failure I’m facing which costs a lot of money, I am totally lost and feel really useless and disappointed to myself. I believe that even though I may not be good in studies, who knows I will be better when I come to work but I also have to face the fact that there is a chance for me not to have a successful career too but I am determined to be successful. When come to think of it, many people view successful as being able to earn a lot of money but we tend to overlooked that job satisfaction also can make you feel successful as well. Deep inside me have this very strong feeling that I can do that in future and now it is not the time for me and the failures I’m facing now is training myself to be strong for years to come.

It is funny that every human wants to avoid failure when we know the fact that it is completely unavoidable and is bound to happen anytime, anywhere in any stage of our life. If we are strong enough, we can use failures as a well taught lesson to avoid the same mistake. People cry out loud when they face failure and thought they will fail forever, it is hard to tell why some of them always fail, probably because of low morale, low motivation, nobody that support them to move on. I believe that the people who are facing failures are hoping that someone out there can guide them to see the light because nobody can be as strong as they want to when you have a low self-esteem. They will tend to shut themselves out from any light if they go through rough pathways themselves but if they have someone who is experienced enough to rely on, then they will be more than willing to fight because there is someone guiding them to where they are heading to.

So how a person can be considered as successful and failure? The question is how are you going to judge them based on what perspective you are looking on. You may look at the amount of hardwork they have done, their achievements regardless of how they did it and vice versa.

Success, we must do something to be successful. As for failure, we don’t have to start doing anything also can be deemed as fail too. Sounds simple isn’t?

I believed that if we had worked on the aforementioned business plans, the booth will certainly perform even better than what it is now. However, a good business plan does not equate to profit. And what that means is a good business plan will not guarantee a lucrative profit because it needs to be implemented properly, and therein lies a good leadership. One of the major factor that keeps the business going is the whole workforce. Why I said so? It’s because when your employee does not have the motivation and spirit to help you, then your business plan will fail as a result. I find that, without the feeling of motivation from the entire workforce, it is very tough for me to push out for sales when I see other people is doing nothing. I would say it can be very easily affected to other employee and it is very dangerous for a business person.

A good teamwork will automatically have good spirit and motivation and most importantly they know where are they going. When a business is going no where, then the spirit will go down to the drain. So a good leader is very important for that matter because leader is always the one who keeps the thing going.

I also realised that it is utterly important to have your products and services work as intended because it gives you a sheer confidence and passion to continue with what you are doing. As what I am experiencing now, I wanted to make a carbonated drink for people to give them the freshness feeling. Unfortunately, even though I bought the sparkling water shit I failed to make a nice sparkling drink up for sale. It didn’t live up to my expectations and I completely lost the will to sell it and feel like abandon the whole thing. I wish I could continue to improvise of what I am doing, but then due to the limited time and budget reasons, I do not wish to waste any more money on it because it is really costly. With that being said, what we can do now is to try and sell as much as we can at a cut throat price.

Conducting a business is not all about making plans, a business owner also has to be adaptive to the current condition. Strategy and planning may change overtime, and we have to keep making changes in a rapid pace. For example, I initially thought that selling a sparkling juice will be nice and definitely be a hit but then an unforeseen circumstances made the idea fail. The problems that I encountered was the difficulty in maintaining the CO2 in the drink which is impossible without a proper equipment. Second, is the cost of the ingredient.

To ensure that the idea of yours will work as it supposed to, first thing you must have in your mind is that, do you have the capacity to fund the idea? Then only you start thinking and predict what are the problems may appear, like how are we suppose to keep the ice from melting? Do we have the container? How are we going to make the drink in a most efficient manner? Ah yes.. the cost.. I didn’t realise that calculating the cost of a cup of drink could be so tedious, we had to take the cost of packaging and materials needed into account. That’s one problem, and another problem is how are you going to calculate it since you are purchasing those materials in bulk?! Like I couldn’t determine the exact amount of sparkling water needed and the nata de coco.

As always, my first impression over things is often wrong. I actually felt very confident that my drink will sell like hot cake but turns out to be the opposite. Quite disappointing and frustrating. Really.

I know I complain a lot, but I just can’t stand looking at people who join in the club and actually doing nothing! That pisses me the most but bryan himself did not rant a single word. I’m quite impressed with him though and looking back at myself, I just feel very scary of the way I behave and attitude. I really really want to change these two, selfish and calculative. That is what I want to change first. Looks like the next time when I hear other people’s idea, I must not criticize it before I know anything about it.

Through this project, all I can say is that I actually enjoyed doing things behind the scene rather than standing outside and promote things or deal with people. I tried to step out from my comfort zone, and honestly though it didn’t feel good but I still managed to step out of there and I just don’t feel that I’m enjoying doing all these things. But one thing for sure though, I really really enjoy doing things behind the scene to support the frontline people. When I do that, I feel very fun and happy because I know that what I’m doing is actually supporting them. I can feel that I’m trying my best all the time when I do this kind of thing.

When we talk about business plan that can change over time, what I meant by it was, for instance, while we are doing business, suddenly an idea comes out of no where that can be a good idea at times. I also realised that sometimes when you are too honest with your customers, it will somehow turn them away and you have to suffer the lost. Presentation is also very important in making good impression for customers. It is one of the major source of attraction because customers can feel the sense of professionalism and “richness” of a company. One thing our president pointed out in relation to this presentation is that a booth cannot be empty because it gives the impression of “nothing-to-sell”. When there’s a crowd at a booth, it will naturally attract people to their store because human beings are always filled with curiosity and wonder what is going on with the booth.

I now also can see why marketing is vital because the role of marketing is to inform the public about what is going on with your company and if a company has been actively and aggressively market their product and service coupled with a good presentation that has the sense of professionalism element in it, then the odds of being successful is high.

I wonder why I never thought of it before, but after learning those basic techniques, I began to watch music videos with more critical observation. Haha, I don’t know exactly why am I doing this anyway. Throughout the class, there were many ups and downs. Things that made me frustrated, happy and sad. The most frustrating for me and I can remember it vividly was someone whom I worked with did not show up and get the assignment done.

Although no marks were given on this particular assignment, however as a team mate he should’ve be responsible for what he is working for. I know it’s a small matter, I never take it to my heart, I’m just letting out my frustration in this post. But I have to say that I have one great team mate where we worked together as a team. Dennis, I want to take this opporunity to say thank you for being such a cooperative person and willing to get things done on time.

Without you, I don’t think we can complete our assignment on time. I had a great experience with you when we were working together, during filming and newsletter. Also, I would like to say thank you to Iman for being so helpful all the while. Whenever I’m in doubt, she will help me, I know that I was asking too much during the class so I’m very sorry about it. However, I appreciate what you have helped me so much.

Finally, but not least, I would like to thank Mr.Avila, although he has been strict during the class. I mean last few weeks ago when we first started our CCP he was kinda scary to everyone of us. No one likes it, but I know that actually what he wanted is to get our things done so that we are able to submit it on time. Probably he even knows that a lot of us have not much time after the class.

Anyway, after this post, I won’t be writing it anymore because blogging is not my type. I don’t fancy thinking what to write everyday. I feel a bit sad now because I won’t be continue writing this blog anymore.. So, let’s just take this blog as the end of my Communication Technology Class.. Good bye to everyone =)

One question though, do we actually need a anti-virus software for our computer? For some experts, they claim that they don’t need anti-virus to protect their computer. Is it a necessity to have anti-virus? I’m not so sure whether it’s a necessity or for a peace of mind.

There are few great freeware anti-virus, AVG by Grisoft, Avast! by Alwil Software (Personally used myself), AntiVir by Avira and etc.. These 3 are the most common freeware on the net, there are also free virus scanner for users like TrendMicro, Kaspersky and etc.

I would say that, the best prevention from getting infected by virus is your brain. Why I said so? Very simple, to get infected by virus, what you can do is by clicking blindly in the junk mail, or simply download a warez on the net and that way you will have a very high risk of getting infected.

Haha, lots of sighs in my post, I do sigh a lot in my life too. It becomes normal for me, maybe because I think too much? And probably that’s one of the reason why I have white hairs! LOL

Course mark eh.. Well, actually today I got to know my average for my families and a bit dissapointed that I couldn’t achieve what I aimed for. When I first got to know the marks, I had mix feelings like a bit happy and unhappy. I was happy because I knew I could get pretty good final grades and unhappy because I couldn’t touch 90 border.

I really want get into Monash because there are more choices compared to Lancaster or Victoria University. – When I told somebody that I’m going to take a 6-month break, most of them will say I will waste my time in these 6 months.

Well, yeah 6-month of break might seemed to be very long period, but I have my firm decision to have 6-month break. – I chose to break so long is because I want to make a very careful consideration of which course I’m going to be in. I don’t want to make rush decisions that will make me regret and waste the money and my time.

I find it much better when I know myself that I chose the right course and path and work towards for my future than making rush decisions for now. So, is 6-month break long time? Think again.

But it’s a bit stupid that the military government refused to accept any help from any of the country. I mean they are heartless to refused aids from any organizations and they would rather see their people die just like that without giving them a proper treatment.

When the people there are rich, there are filthy rich, the poor ones are extremely poor. So they are pretty much helpless for the poors because they don’t have money to buy clothes and stuff. – Look at China, earth quakes just happened, and they accept the aids from around the world and see how much lives they are able to saved.