It’s raining heavily right now. I don’t know where to say or start. I feel like no matter what I do, I just feel like as though people don’t like me. People think I’m arrogant but I can’t control the way they think of me because that is just the way I am. I know that it is impossible to please everyone out there, but for some reason there is this feeling of rejection from many people despite my best efforts. I’m not aiming to get everybody’s liking to me, but I just want to generally feel good and friendly with people. A lot of times I just don’t have such confidence to say hi to people due to the fact that I know it is them but cannot see clearly and be sure that they are looking at me just to say hi or smile. Because I don’t want to feel like a retard after saying hi and people don’t respond back, I chose not to look at them instead.
People may feel this way that I am not being friendly at all, but in actual fact deep inside me I am afraid, very afraid. For the past 3 years I’ve been trying to take initiative to talk to people and be friends with them, but I found out even after doing so, seems quite difficult for me to be sociable. Sometimes I wonder is it me or just other people? Most of the time I just kept thinking that the problem lies with me, I tried smiling but it’s not genuine smile when meeting acquaintance.
It seems whenever I tried to pull myself up just to gain some confidence, things will crumble down on me. Like today, I tried explaining what’s happening but at the end the lecturer never listen to my explanation at all. So I was thinking, am I talking rubbish? That led me to telling myself that I better stfu in future because I just don’t contribute much.
I just cannot seem to get along well with people and have fun with them. Don’t know why for some reason, I just see other people know for such a short period can laugh and joke with each other but nobody did that to me. Perhaps I should blame my rather kayu personality or cold looking face? What if I smile more? Have I tried that? Certainly yes. Does that bring me closer to people? No. I don’t know what to do.. just feel so lost at times.. whenever people come talk to me, I will always try to remain as friendly as possible so that they know I am an easy going guy. Of course, I don’t reveal my personal stuff much to them but those information they don’t really need to know. Unless it is someone important to me.
Truthfully speaking, I am having big problems with socializing with people. I think that is what has been bringing me down. It’s quite tiring to constantly bring myself back up without somebody supporting me. It’s really difficult. Not even friends. When I let my guard down a little bit, mostly just ended up got nothing to say. Not saying that they are not friend enough to me, but this goes to show that it’s not easy to find a good listener. When I’m alone, I just don’t feel like smiling, which explains a lot why I don’t seem to have a genuine smile to people. I just simply can’t do it because I’m not too sure myself and whether they notice me. Maybe I can go like say hi second time in case they didn’t notice.
All I’m hoping is that my future gf will be a good listener and can motivate me to go on my life with her. Problem now is that I don’t have one….
